Tangible
by papayann
Summary: After it's all over, Near finds himself compelled to do something that is definitely not reasonable.


As Near passed through the imposing gates of the Whammy House, he finally began to feel some trepidation. He had been wholly confident until now, as he always was. He was allowed to be, too- he'd had Roger find an escort to accompany him here. But now that he was here, he was on his own.

_Completely vulnerable._

He sighed. This _had_ to be done. Even if it weren't sensible to let his emotions rule his actions in such a way, this guilt just wouldn't leave him. So, warily, he stepped inside the gate.

It was just as he remembered it- all old, gray stone, almost majestic and, today, extremely imposing. A long cobbled path led to the front doors. Children played on the surrounding grass, yelling and chasing one another. Near squinted. The sun was bright today.

He began to walk down the path, feeling unused to the action. His legs ached to just buckle right there and allow him to just _sit,_ splayed out as he was used to. Why did he insist on coming alone? Near didn't _walk._

He left the path, trying not to notice all the stares he was attracting. He wondered if they recognized him… if they realized _he_ was the latest L, the one they were being raised to become. He shook his head slightly- no, that wouldn't be it. There were no pictures of him, and all the children he had known had left this place by now.

He started to pant once he passed the building and continued towards his destination. His feet were hurting, too- shoes were yet another thing he was unused to.

Finally, he reached the base of the hill. Pausing for only a moment to catch his breath, Near started up the hill.

He had to let out a small whine here- now his legs _really_ had to move. The stiff new fabric of his clothes rubbed against his thighs, and his skin was protesting. Why on earth hadn't he just gave in and brought an escort, or at least a wheelchair?

_Here._

He'd reached the top of the hill. Forcing his legs only to move a few more steps towards the slabs of rough white stone, he finally allowed them to buckle as he adopted his usual position.

He gazed at the stones in front of him, still panting and slightly sweaty. His muscles ached and his skin burned. But he couldn't help but feel at peace here.

_Such an unreasonable feeling._

Above him was a magnolia tree in full bloom. Petals were just beginning to fall from their flowers, and they were scattered on the ground beautifully. Abruptly, he remembered why he was here. Snapping his eyes back to the gravestones in front of him, he felt inexplicably heavy.

"Mello," he said, touching the letters gently. "And L," he sighed, closing his eyes as he realized how ridiculous this was. The dead were _dead._ What he was searching for he could never get. Why was he here?

Feeling irritated, he shifted and pulled himself around until he could lay his back against the coolness of Mello's stone instead of looking at them and feeling worthless. It helped, to some extent.

Well, he reasoned to himself, there was no way to actually say this to them. But he needed to at least make an attempt to confess his fault to them.

_His fault._

"Mello…L," he restarted, taking a fresh breath, "I know you two are dead now. You can't hear me, much less communicate with me. You are nothingness now… Ryuuk told me. But…" here he paused, staring at his body in amazement. He was shaking. Why?

Oh well.

_It was so insensible, so…_

Who cared?

"I defeated Kira." Here he blinked, opening his eyes wide as he stared at the sun.

"But I cheated," he said flatly. " I cheated. I didn't stay loyal to you, L. Mello. I couldn't… I didn't…" He shut his eyes here, frustrated with his sudden inarticulateness. The sun had been burned into his eyes. All he could see was white. He opened them again- not that it helped. "I resorted to trial-and-error."

Still only white. The stone felt so nice against his back. Why didn't he ever lean against things? Why did he always hunch into himself?

"I wrote Teru Mikami's name in the notebook before my meeting with Kira."

He could feel a breeze ruffle his hair. Absently, he reached up and began to twirl a lock around his finger. Closing his eyes once more, he continued.

"I made sure that he would not suspect his notebook was a fake. I specified that he would, indeed, come to the warehouse at that time. And I also made sure that he would survive the encounter. I made him watch as I deconstructed his god, and made sure that he would lose all respect for Light Yagami, even though I didn't write that down. I created a situation where his vision of his 'god' was utterly destroyed, and I set it up so that he would say so to Light Yagami."

"I also wrote that 'none of the people who arrest him will die.'" Near swallowed a few times after saying this. He knew he was a coward, but he didn't really want to tell L this. Mello already knew, so that was okay…

Wait…

_Tell L?_

L was dead. Blinking, he continued.

"I wanted to win. I wanted to completely crush Kira. I was positive that L-Kira was Light Yagami. I was also positive that Teru Mikami was X-Kira. I just needed some evidence. I used the notebook to _ensure_ my victory. Like some child cheating at a game of cards."

He was finished.

He gulped air, feeling more exerted than after he had finished climbing this hill.

His vision had cleared. The sun really _was_ bright today.

It felt _good._ The warmth of it. It reminded him of…

_Nothing._

Hadn't he ever come out and lay in the sunlight before?

"Mello," he murmured, feeling sleepy, "I'm sorry. I'm L now. I'm sure you would hate me for that. _Especially,_" he added as an afterthought, "since you were the one that created my opportunity to defeat Kira. I don't feel right."

There it was. _Emotion._ It was stupid, what he felt. Why was he talking to a stone, anyway? All that was there were some blackened remains of a long-gone rival.

Even longer-gone friend.

Almost-forgotten…

"Other half…" he sighed, his eyes drifting shut.

He didn't even want to be L. He didn't feel right, living when they were dead.

"L…"

He was a coward. Too afraid to face death, even when L and Mello had done so in an instant because it would further the case.

He felt incomplete. L was his idol, and Mello his reason to become better. And in the end, he had lost both of them. Had won, yes, but had to cheat, become a _murderer_ to do it.

He almost wanted to just die and join them on this pretty hill. But he really couldn't. People were relying on him.

_People like us are hard to come by._

--

When he awoke, an elderly man was waiting for him in a car right there on the hilltop. He needed to be helped inside- he felt a little strange, almost off-balance. Almost like he had to re-learn his body. He yawned.

Suddenly, his stomach ached.

Suddenly, he wanted chocolate… really, really badly. And maybe some tea.

He asked his latest escort. He would get some immediately, was the reply. Near leaned his head against the window. As he did so, he realized that his face was wet.

It must have rained, he thought to himself absently, ripping open his just-delivered chocolate bar with intensity he didn't know he possessed. He bit into it and snapped a piece off.

"Ah," he said under his breath. He had just caught a glimpse of the sun from behind the orphanage. It suddenly occurred to him what he should have said. "Forgive me…" he muttered. Since they were dead, it didn't matter that he was in a car instead of at their graves, did it?

It was really, really bright.

--

AN:

You know, it really is a shame. It's the 28th of June right, now, but I can't post this yet! I betcha you're reading this on the 11th of July, or somewhere around that time. Thing is… I'm at my cottage right now and I don't get internet. So I'm writing stuff and am going to have to post it 2 weeks later… weird. Heya future-people!

Anyway, this was just something I wrote after reading volume 12 today. I cried in the car… oo It was embarrassing. But the ending is sad! And Near… I dunno. I love the 4 guys, I really do.

So this was basically just an outlet for all my emo-ness. I needed to try and write Near, for some reason. I guess 'cause he's the only one that's alive. And Matsuda's theory was just too good to pass up :3

Anyway, I hope that wasn't _too _boring (yeah right) and I know it was really long and way too introspective, but please leave a review! I'm not good at the emo-ish stuff, and this is the longest bit of emo-ness I've written to date. So some concrit/praise/flaming would do me good. Thanks for reading!


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